Past
by Emmel1118
Summary: 'As soon as she realised what it was, she dropped it like it was a hot coal. She hadn't even finished reading it – but she had read enough. Joseph was getting married.' Jac finds out that the former love of her life is getting married - and it breaks her more than she cares to admit.
1. Chapter 1

**a/n Okay, this story is going to be four parts ****long. I hope you enjoy.**

Jac Naylor sighed, running a hand through her hair. She was tired, though she wouldn't admit to it if she was asked. She reached out and flicked the switch that turned her computer on. Soon the screen was flickering into life. She started to shuffle the paperwork on her desk, aiming to complete some before anyone disturbed her. She scrabbled around on her usually neat desk – now covered in paperwork – for a pen. After a while, she conceded defeat, and stood up. She crossed the room to Elliot's desk. As she searched for a pen on her colleague's desk, she determinedly looked down at the wood of the table, not even glancing at the pictures that adorned it. She found a pen a few seconds later, but as she went to walk away, something caught her eye. There was a sheet of paper sticking out of one of his draws, as if hastily shoved there. A name on the paper had caught her eye. Her curiosity got the better of her common sense, so she slid the draw open and removed the paper. Her eyes scanned the paper. As soon as she realised what it was, she dropped it like it was a hot coal. She hadn't even finished reading it – but she had read enough.

Joseph was getting married.

Shock ran though her veins, and then anger that Joseph hadn't informed her of this event. She stood stock still, and then shook her head. She hadn't seen him in two years. He was allowed to do what he wished; it had been her who had said no two years ago. She picked up the invite and glanced at it again, and her stomach dropped even further. He was getting married today. She folded it up and placed it in the pocket of her scrubs. She didn't know why it hurt her so much – she didn't care about him anymore – but the denial of any feelings wasn't working, her body was betraying her. The pain she was feeling was because of the invite –she knew really, but she didn't want to admit that the fact that Joseph was getting married hurt her – just like she didn't admit how much it hurt last time.

She shook her head, now angry at herself for thinking and feeling as she was. She repeated the same three words over and over in her head. _I don't care_. She managed to get her feeling back into check. She left the office, her paper work undone and her feelings in disarray.

"Ah, Jac." Jonny approached her. "Your patient is asking if you have her results yet."

"Which one?" She asked, her voice sharp. Jonny glanced, bewildered, at her before he began searching the desk in front of him for the patient's notes, and after a few seconds of manic searching, he found them.

"Kylie Dawson, bed eight." Jac nodded. "Her results?"

Jac reached across the desk and snatched up the results, which are lying just where she left them. "I've got them." She snapped, leaving Jonny confused as to why she was in such a foul mood. She stood up and walked over to her patient – trying to get her mind off what happened in the office. "Right, Miss Dawson-" She started.

"Have you got my results?" Kylie interrupted. "Can I go home?" She asked, hopefully. Jac shook her head.

"Nope." Jac watched as Kylie's face fell. "You had an ASD corrected when you were a child. The correction has failed and if we don't fix it, you will die." She was being blunter than usual, not using any tact what so ever. Jonny who had joined her side a few seconds earlier, raised his eyebrows at her words. "But the problem is you're pregnant." She paused to let the news sink in.

Jonny grabbed her by the arm and pulled her slightly away from the bed. "Well, you did that really well." Jonny pointed out, sarcastically.

She wrenched her arm out of his grip. "I don't need tips, thanks very much." She said, turning back to the bed. Kylie was sitting stock still, and was as white as a sheet. "Is there anyone you want to call? The father?" Jac asked, whilst flicking through her file.

Jac looked back up at her patient. She was sobbing gently into her pillow. Jac stood there awkwardly. "Are you alright?" She asked, also awkwardly – she didn't know what to do or say.

"What does it look like?" Kylie snapped in reply, raising her face from the pillow. "It's not that I don't want kids – I do – just not right now."

"And the father?" Jonny asked – Jac was not sure why he was asking, it wasn't any of their business.

"He left about three weeks ago, because he couldn't cope with his high pressure job and being a single dad. He asked me to go with him and I said no. Why couldn't I have got pregnant before?" Kylie lamented.

Jac froze at the woman's words. After all that the morning had thrown at her already, she had to deal with this? Millions of things rushed through her head at the same time. "Jac?" Jonny asked, confusion rippling through his tone.

"Well, Miss Dawson, I'll leave you to have a think then." Jac turned sharply on her heels and stalked off. She got the desk and collapsed into the swivel chair.

"Are you alright?" Jonny whispered over her shoulder, scaring her and causing her to flinch slightly.

"Why wouldn't I be?" She told him, tersely. Just before he started to talk, she abruptly stood up – after seeing Elliot walk into their shared office, and anger rising up in her.

She swung the door open and it shut with a bang behind her. Elliot looked up, smiling at her. "Jac-" He started warmly, but she cut him off.

"How long have you known?" She asked, angrily. Reaching into her pocket, she removed the folded up invite and waved it in the air.

"Known what?" Elliot said, bewildered, standing up.

"How long have you known?" She repeated, as Elliot walked closer. As he got closer he realised what she was clutching.

"Ah…" He trailed off. "I-I thought he'd tell you." He answered, flatly. She breathed heavily in.

"It doesn't matter, anyway." Jac said, turning to leave.

"Of course it matters, Jac, you care about him." Elliot said, and it tipped her off the edge.

"I don't care! I don't care." She shouted, and she walked angrily out of the office, slamming the door behind her. She prowled down the corridor, the scowl on her face scaring off anyone who wanted to approach her. She pushed the door of the locker room open with her shoulder and she slid down on the bench. She pulled her legs up to her chin, and covered her ears with her hands. It was a technique she had learnt as a child, to get away when things went bad. She started describing a scene in her head.

_She is sitting on a sun lounger. It is warm. She is wearing a polka dot bikini and there is a martini sitting on the table next to her. Also on the table is a book – it is Body Double by Tess Gerritsen. There is a pool in front of her – the water is a lovely shade of-_

Her thoughts were disrupted by the door shutting. Elliot was standing there, looking at her. She uncurled her feet and sat properly. "Jac." He said, and she could hear pity in his voice.

"What?" She snapped.

"What's the point?" Elliot asked, and Jac's brow furrowed in confusion.

"What's the point of what?" She snapped again.

"Saying you don't care about him."

She laughed. "Maybe it's because I don't care about him." She said, bluntly.

Elliot shook his head. "If you don't care, why does it make you angry?" He asked. Jac didn't answer.

Elliot joined her and sighed. "Just admit that you still care for him." Elliot's voice was quiet. They lapsed in to silence – as Jac didn't want to answer Elliot's question.

"All right." She conceded after a while. "I'm-I-I still care for him. Ok, it that what you wanted?" She said, standing up.

"Try telling him that, not me."

"But he doesn't care anymore." She paused. "And it hurts. I don't want to care for him and I don't want it to hurt because he obviously doesn't care anymore." Jac unloaded all of her feeling on to Elliot. "I've lost him." She admitted.

"You've still got time to tell him." Elliot voice was full of hope.

"I don't. I've lost him." Jac's voice was little more than a whisper.

"Go home, Jac. You can't heal anybody when you're broken yourself." Jac went to protest, but she stopped herself. She nodded and waited for Elliot to leave.

…

Just sitting at home was worse. There was nothing to distract her from her troubles. She spent all her time lamenting letting him go or being angry at him for getting married. The closer and closer it got to nightfall, she knew it was closer and closer to losing him, for forever this time. Elliot's words echoed around her head. _You've still got time_. No, she didn't.

Today was the first time in two years that she had admitted that she cared for Joseph. Despite everything she knew that she would still care for him after today. So why not tell him this?

It took her hours to convince herself that it was the right thing to do. She had to tell him. But when she was sitting on her motorbike in her driveway, all her courage failed her. _What was the point of breaking her heart even more?_ She turned the key in the ignition and her action made the decision for her.

With the wind whipping at her hair, and the rain soaking her clothes, she didn't have any time to think. She liked that. The wedding and reception was being held in the same place, she knew that from the invite, and it didn't take her long to get there. It was about fifteen minutes outside Holby and about twenty from her house. She dismounted her bike and killed the engine, and she could feel her nerves being shred to pieces. It took her a few minutes to work up enough courage to enter the building and she had decided that if he looked happy, then she would leave him be. She hadn't ever made him happy.

She stood for a few seconds in the entrance to the hall where the reception was being held. Music was vibrating the floorboards and she could hear it clearly as the double doors to the hall where wide open. Then she took a deep breath and entered the hall. She faltered when she saw him. He was kneeling on the floor, and a little boy she could only assume was Harry was playing in front of him. He looked handsome in his suit. He looked happy.

"Who are you?" An old woman suddenly appeared next her. Jac shook her head.

"I'm nobody." She said, turning and leaving, honouring her promise to herself to leave him be, if he was happy. She walked slowly back to her bike, with a heavy heart weighing her down.

"Jac…" It was one word, and even after two years and even through the rain and the wind, she recognised Joseph's voice. She didn't turn around, but she did stop in her tracks. She wrapped her leather jacket tighter around her, as protection against the cold and rain. The rain was even heavier and she was now soaked to the skin.

"What's her name?" Jac asked, slowly.

"Tanya." He answered, solemnly. She took this new information.

"I'll be going then." She said, softly. She started to walk off, but he reached out a hand and pulled her back.

"We need to talk." He said, also softly. "Come on." He said, tenderly, after a while. He took her hand and led her, in silence, into the building. They walked into the hall, dripping wet. The music changed to Rosé by The Feeling. He leant across and whispered into her ear. "Dance with me, Jac." She nodded and she put her hands around his neck, and he put his arms around her waist. She didn't say anything, but she felt safe in his arms. They danced in silence for a little while, before Jac whispered into his ear.

"Is she the only one you've been with, since…" She trailed off, not knowing what to say. Her voice was quiet and soft.

"Yes." He said, quietly. "Have you been with anyone, since…" He also trailed off, not quite knowing what to ask or if he wanted to know the answer.

"One man." She said, gently.

"And is he special?" Joseph asked, and Jac thought she heard a flash of jealously in his voice.

"He's in love with me." She said, slowly. She felt Joseph tighten his grip, and she had to suppress a small smile.

"And are you in love with him?" Joseph asked, and his grip tightened even more. Instead of answering, she buried her head in his shoulder and didn't look at him. She felt slightly angry at him for needing to ask that question. They lapsed in to a silence.

"Are you in love with your wife?" She asked, and she waited with a heavy heart to hear him confirm her worst nightmare. But he didn't answer, just as she hadn't. She knew that if his silence meant the same as hers then he wasn't in love with his wife. The song finished and they broke apart.

"Are you going to introduce me to your friend?" Jac turned her head to see who was talking. It was a woman wearing a wedding dress, it was Joseph's wife.

"Tanya, this is Jac – and old friend." Tanya smiled at her and reached out a hand. Jac took it and they shook hands.

"I'd better be going." Jac said, and she saw Joseph's smile fall. Joseph reached over and they awkwardly embraced. She brought her hand up to his face and brushed her fingers against his skin. "Good luck." She whispered, sadly. She kissed him on the cheek, and her lips lingered slightly too long to just be old friends. She turned and walked out of the hall, just as Chris De Burgh's _Lady in Red_ came on. She battled away tears, promising herself she wouldn't cry at least until she got home.

She climbed onto her bike, and she was already soaked to the skin again. She turned the key in the ignition.

She'd lost him.

**a/n I hope you liked that. I'm going to update every Wednesday from now on. **

**So see you Wednesday!**

**Emmel.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hello, I hope you like part one - here is part two. **

**...**

She killed the engine and slipped off the bike. It was only a few steps to her house, but her vision was blurred by the cascade of tears falling down her cheeks. It had been a while since she had let herself fall apart this badly – almost two years to the day. It seemed it was only him who could make her fall apart. She stumbled the few steps to the door and fumbled in her pocket for her house keys. She inserted them into the lock and turned, the door opened and she slipped inside, slamming the door behind her. She blundered further into her home, and then she collapsed onto the sofa, sobs wracking her small frame.

It was like a damn had been broken, the tears flowing down her cheeks, soaking the sofa. She cried until she had no tears left to cry, until she was empty. She was left a shaking, freezing mess. She propped herself up on her elbows, trying to get the shaking under control. She sucked in a deep breath and stood up. She made her way up the stairs to the shower. She peeled off her sodden clothes, leaving them in a pile by the shower. She entered the shower, and turned it on to the hottest setting – she was trying to wash his touch of her skin, thinking that if she did this then it wouldn't hurt as much as it did.

She spent fifteen minutes in the boiling hot shower, but still she could feel his arms around her waist. If she was truthful, she quite liked it – she didn't feel so lonely. She placed her wet clothes on radiators around her house, and then grabbed her pyjamas. She dressed quickly, and then walked slowly downstairs. She grabbed the kettle and filled it up; she also put the coffee into her cup. She sat down on the sofa, whilst waiting for the kettle to boil. She wrapped her arms around her shoulders; she was still chilled from the rain even after her scalding hot shower. The kettle finished boiling and she stood up and poured the water into her cup. She clutched the handle and carried it to the coffee table by the sofa. She sat down and sighed.

At least she'd tried.

…

Holding her motorbike helmet in her hand, Jac walked into the hospital entrance. She walked slowly towards the lift. Uncharacteristically, she'd cried again this morning. She pressed the call button for the lift. The doors slid open and she slipped in. The doors were about to close, when someone stuck their foot in the slowly closing gap. The doors opened again and Mo entered. The two colleagues stood in silence as the lift doors shut. "Where'd you go yesterday?" Mo asked, but Jac remained silent. "Jac? We all heard your argument with Elliot and Jonny said you were acting strange yesterday. Jac?" Mo asked, sounding actually concerned.

"It's none of your business what I get up to." Jac snapped. She had hardly gotten any sleep the night before; her mind had been determined to go over the day's events in a constant loop.

The lift pinged and the doors slid open. The women left the lift and walked side by side on to the ward. Jac calmly strolled over to her and Elliot's shared office and she collapsed, thankfully, into the chair behind her desk. She dropped her head to the wood, and sighed. She shouldn't have come in to work after the night she'd had but she had too – she wouldn't have coped with the silence. The office door swung open and Elliot sauntered in. Jac nodded in greeting.

"Are you alright?" He asked. She nodded. "Did you go see him?" She didn't answer. "Be like that then." He huffed, sitting down on his chair.

"I was too late." She whispered, sadly. Elliot raised his head at her words, and smiled sympathetically. Elliot went to speak, but he was cut off by phone beeping. "It's mine." Jac announced, grabbing the machine. She stood up. "Thanks." She informed him, before leaving.

The message had been from Jonny, informing her that she was needed on the ward. Jonny was waiting just a few steps from the office. "It's Kylie Dawson. Her condition deteriorated overnight so Mo thinks that we should operate even with the risk of the baby." Jonny notified her. She nodded.

"Get her consent then prep her for surgery. I'll operate." Jac slid into the swivel chair in the middle of the ward. She watched Jonny complete the task she had set him, and she remembered her words from yesterday. She smiled sadly, just as her phone beeped again. This time the message was from Sasha. She was tempted to ignore his message but she didn't. She scanned the text. Her brow creased in confusion.

"Jonny?" She called. The Scottish nurse turned around. "Mo is going to have to operate." She told him, still staring at her phone. She slid the device into her pocket and started walking away.

"Jac!" He called after her, but it was in vain. She was going, whatever he said. She walked, slowly, down to AAU. It took her a few minutes to walk down, and she tried to use the time to work out why Sasha needed to see her so urgently. She couldn't think of anything that would require her urgent attention. She reached the doors and swung them open. Sasha was standing in the office with Michael. She pushed the door open.

"What do you want?" She asked, trying to sound as casual as possible.

"Uh…" Sasha hesitated. "Look behind you." She looked at him sceptically, before doing as he asked. She froze, and had to reach out a hand to support herself.

"What the hell is going on?" She said turning back to face the two men, demanding answers. Neither of them answered. "Well?"

"They were involved in a car accident." Michael told her. "Only minor injuries, except for the kid – he broke his arm and a couple ribs." She shook her head.

"And why get me? I cannot see any heart or breathing complications." She spoke sharply.

"I thought you might want to-" Jac cut Sasha off.

"No. I don't want to know that he has been involved in car crash!" She paused, getting her breath back after her outburst. She turned and shoved the door open. She made it to the door without looking back, but she couldn't resist. She turned and looked at him. Tanya was having stitches, done by a nurse, in her arm and Joseph was sitting next to Harry's bed. He had a cut above his right eye. And then he looked up and saw her. Their eyes locked and he smiled sadly. She walked slowly towards him. She couldn't stop herself.

"Hey." She spoke softly.

"Hey." He spoke softly too. They both looked at Harry. "He'll be alright." She nodded and pulled up a chair. "We were going to my mother's, to leave Harry before Tanya and I go on our honeymoon tomorrow. The other driver is still in the ED in a very serious condition." Jac took this information in and nodded. Jac glanced behind her, Tanya was still receiving stiches across the ward. She hadn't noticed her presence. They lapsed in to silence. Jac looked behind her again, and saw Tanya start to get up. She leant over and kissed him on the cheek, before standing up.

"I'd better be getting back to work." She turned away, but he called out, softly, so that no one else heard.

"I see you made it as consultant, Jac." He paused. "Was it worth it?" His voice was quiet and sad. Jac swallowed. She leant down and kissed him on the cheek again, and softly spoke.

"No." She hesitated, wanting to say more but because of Tanya's presence she didn't and instead she stood up. He reached up and took her hand and then took the pen out of her scrub pocket. He wrote something on her hand and then dropped it. She turned and walked away, going passed Tanya as she did so.

She didn't look at her hand until she arrived back on Darwin. It was his number. She had no idea why he had written his phone number on her hand, but she felt it was a good sign.

The only good sign.

…

The pain was even worse that evening. It was like there was a hand crushing her chest, making it hard to breathe. She had another scalding hot shower – again unsuccessfully trying to wipe any traces of Joseph off of her skin. She had written the number down before her shower, and she was tempted to ring it. She didn't, instead she switched on the T.V. She didn't watch it, as such, she just stared at the screen.

As she sat on the sofa, long after the T.V. had been turned off, she wondered how a man could reduce her to a sobbing mess. No, she wondered why a man she had hurt so much in the past could still reduce her to tears.

She had spent the past two years trying to forget him, but knowing that she never would. She'd tried before to forget the love she felt for him, and it failed horribly. In the past few months she had accepted that life goes on even when you want life to be just as it was. She remembered how it felt when he had left, and compared that with how she felt right now. Right now felt worse, because he wouldn't have been Joseph if he hadn't of put his son first – and she wouldn't have been Jac if she'd said yes, and that was how it was.

She had become a doctor to fix other people, because fixing other people was easier than fixing herself. She curled up on the sofa with a glass of wine in her hand. She didn't realise she was crying until her tears dripped into her wine glass. She angrily wiped them away, deciding that he wasn't worth crying over anymore. She repeated her mantra from the day before. _I don't care. _She added on a second part. _I don't have a heart. _She shook her head, sadly – it was never going to work. She gulped down the rest of her wine and placed the glass on the side. She walked slowly up stairs, and got dressed into her night clothes. She pulled the covers and slid under them. She curled up, desperately trying to get a good night's sleep. She could almost feel him lying next to her, like he used to do when they were together.

Jac cried herself to sleep.

…

It was one o'clock in the morning, when Jac woke up sweating. She clenched her fists, angry at herself. She pulled the heavy covers off of her, and slid out of bed. She padded slowly to the bathroom. She splashed some cold water onto her face, before catching a glimpse of herself in the mirror. Her face was tearstained. She sighed, and left the room. She didn't climb back into bed, and instead, she walked slowly down the stairs, the sound of her footsteps muffled by the heavy carpet.

She pulled the phone out of its cradle, and dialled his number. It didn't ring for very long – she knew Joseph found it almost impossible to leave a phone ringing.

"Hello?" Joseph's voice was groggy and sleepy, but even only saying one word, the sound of his voice gave her butterflies.

"It's Jac." She whispered, hoarsely. "I miss you." She admitted, and she nearly kicked herself for admitting it. There was a pause at the other end of the line.

"I miss you too." Joseph replied. "You never answered my question. Are you in love with the other man?" He asked, quietly.

"No." She replied, her voice only just audible. "How can I be in love with him?"

"Oh, Jac…" He trailed off. Then he ended the call, and Jac just stared at the phone. She had just as good as admitted she was still in love with him, and he dealt with it by ending the phone call. She didn't think her heart could sink any lower, but in that moment, it did. She sat on the sofa in stunned silence, until she lost track of time.

Just as she stood up got back to bed – her feet were like blocks of ice – she heard a knock at the door. Huffing she made her way to the door, to tell who ever it was to go away or else. She looked through the spy hole and she had to tell herself to breathe. She'd stopped when she saw who it was on the other side of the wood.

Joseph. He was wearing a blue shirt, with the sleeves rolled up and grey trousers.

She swung the door open, tentatively. He smiled at her, and she moved aside to let him. "Why are you here?" She snapped.

"For you." He said, softly. "I'm here for you." She slumped down on to the sofa, and Joseph joined her. "When I heard you on the phone, I just couldn't stay away from you." He said, tenderly. He reached out and took her hand, and placed his other on her face, cupping it. "I'm here for you." She leant cautiously forward, moving their entwined hands to his chest – over his heart, and she left them there. Their faces where just centimetres apart, and he leant forward and captured her lips with his. She quivered under his touch. They broke apart to breathe and her head fell on to his shoulder. "Just hold me tonight." She asked, and he nodded almost instantly. She stood up and they walked, hand in hand, to her bedroom. She slid under the covers and he joined her, holding her just as he used to before it had all go so wrong.

And in that moment she could forget that it had ever gone wrong at all.

…

**Hope you liked it.** **Reveiws would be lovely.**


	3. Chapter 3

**And here is chapter three.**

…

The morning dawned bright and beautiful. Jac opened her eyes, and she could still feel Joseph's arms around her. She closed her eyes and let him sleep a little longer. She slowly rolled out of bed, trying not to wake him. She turned at looked at him sleeping, a smile playing with her lips, but it faded when she saw the glint of his wedding ring in the darkness. Her smiled turned into a frown. She leant down and picked up a brow cardigan from the floor, putting it on as a protection against the cold.

She padded, quietly, down the stairs, and she slumped on to the sofa. A few seconds later she heard footsteps on the landing and then more footsteps on the stairs. The door to the kitchen was pushed open a couple of seconds later and Joseph walked slowly into the room. He wordlessly sat next to her. They drifted in silence, both contemplating different things. It had been fine last night to forget about the other people involved in this, but now they couldn't. It had been fine to pretend.

Jac has lost track of how many minutes they have spent sitting on the sofa in total silence. Jac's head was a war zone – she had so many conflicting thoughts. One half of her knew she had to let him go, but the other half of her knew she never could – not really. He had seen her vulnerable last night but she had replaced her shields now.

"Hadn't you better call Tanya? Won't she be worried? What excuse are you going to make up?" Her voice was cold, distant and harsh. It was a complete change from the night.

Joseph turned his head slowly and looked at her, studying her face closely. "This is typical Jac, isn't it?" His voice wasn't angry – not quite, but it was obvious that he was close to anger. "You let me get close but then you bring the walls back up." Jac remained silent. This tipped him over the edge. "Speak to me! For god's sake Jac!" He shouted, and anger flashed in her eyes.

"What do you want me to say?" She shouted in response. "You got married yesterday and I'm supposed to act like it didn't hurt?" She yelled, actually surprising herself with how honest her words where. She wasn't used to being honest.

He stopped, momentarily and stared at her, before retorting. "You're the one who point blank refused to go with me, what was I meant to do, wait 'till you were ready to leave your job? You weren't leaving that anytime soon; I wasn't that important, not next to your job, you were never going to pick me. I moved on, well at least I tried." He hollered. "I don't give a damn, not any more Jac; you left it to long to fix us. Face it, we are too broken." Joseph said, as he started to leave the room.

She reached up and wiped away hot, angry tears – angry at them as well for betraying how hurt she was by his comment. "If you don't give a damn – why are you here? Why did you come at one o'clock in the morning to my house? Why?" He stopped walking but didn't answer.

He turned, fury burning in his eyes. "Why do you want to know? You don't care; don't even, for a second entertain the idea that you do, you ….. you don't have a heart." Joseph shouted, looking straight at Jac, his eyes ablaze with passion and anger.

"Why did you come here, was it to make me look desperate, to prove a point that I only take advantage of married men?" She spat, turning away from Joseph.

"You are desperate! You slept with my father! You, Jac, you killed him!" He yelled.

"Stop being so childish, get over it, he'd rather have me than you, we'd already talked one through this," She said, rolling her eyes. Jac turned back to face Joseph, "He loved me more than you and his decrepit excuse for a wife put together," She hissed, walking past him. Joseph lashed out; grabbing her arm and pulling Jac back to face him.

"He didn't care." He said weakly. She scoffed, and pulled his arm off hers - deliberately slowly, and walked in to kitchen. Her heart was pounding and she took a deep breath. He followed her into the kitchen.

His eyes were full of anger and she knew that she was the exact reflection. She was angry at him: for leaving her, for marrying Tanya and also for marrying Faye and most of all for making her fall in love with him in the first place. She wondered why she was self-sabotaging her only chance at happiness and then she realised, it was all she knew how to do when it came to relationships – self-destruct.

"Tell me you didn't mean that." Joseph demanded.

"Why are you doing this? Why are you opening up new wounds?" Jac demanded, in return. "But the thing is, Joseph, can you look me in the eye, and tell me you don't care anymore?" Jac challenged and he raised his face to look her in the eye, his eyes burning bright in anger. He went to speak, but nothing came out.

He slowly shook his head.

She frowned, after all he had said this morning - she thought he would have said it. "I can't." He admitted. "I still love you and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it." He also admitted, slowly. "I should hate you; you hurt me so badly, but…. I just can't."

"And yet, you still went and got married to someone else." Her voice was quiet and laden with emotion. It was one of the only things in their exchange over the past few minutes that had come from the heart. "That hurt."

Hot, angry tears started spilling down her cheeks, and she didn't attempt to stop them. She was angry that she was crying in front of him, but she couldn't stop the tears falling. The sobs overwhelmed her, and wracked her frame. Joseph moved closer to her and took her in his arms, holding her to his chest and stroking her hair in an effort to calm her down. Her tears soaked his already crumpled shirt.

After a while, her tears subsided and she removed herself from his arms. They didn't say a word, but there eyes met. Jac wanted to look away but she couldn't tear her eyes away from his sparling eyes. She moved past him, and into the hallway. She walked up the stairs quickly. She tried to forget that he'd held her so gently.

He hadn't had to hold her.

…

They stood, awkwardly, in the car park of Holby City Hospital. They hadn't spoken again after Jac had showered and dressed. He pulled off the helmet - which Jac had lent him for the journey to the hospital. She took the helmet and walked off, trying to avoid looking at him – it hurt too much. She pressed the call button for the lift and waited. The doors pinged and she slipped in. When he entered the lift a few seconds after her, she ignored him. He didn't acknowledge her presence either.

He went to the other side of the almost empty lift. The doors pinged, and Joseph didn't look at her before exiting the lift, but as he walked away, he looked back – only for a second, but it was enough. And that - the fact he looked back – made her lips curl into a smile.

She watched him walk away, until the lift doors closed. The smile slipped from her face. She stood, contemplating what was going to happen now. Tanya must have noticed her husband's absence. Would he tell her where he had been? Or would he lie? She had no idea. The lift doors pinged again, and Jac exited the lift. She made her way to the locker room, intending to get dressed into her scrubs and lock the two helmets away. She pushed the door open, with her shoulder – her hands were holding the two helmets.

She'd just finished changing, when the door swung open and Jonny walked in. "Well, who's the new fella then?" Jonny asked, and she would have been stupid if she hadn't heard the hurt in his voice. "Just a one-night-stand or something serious?" Jac shook her head, realising that he'd seen Jac and Joseph arrive on the bike together.

"He's not–we're not-it's not like that. He's just an old friend. He came round last night, had a few drinks and he couldn't drive home. I gave him a lift here." Jac lied.

"So he's a doctor here?" Jonny asked, surprised. "Thought you said that workplace relationships only ended in disaster? He changed your mind?" Jonny asked, and the hurt returned to his voice. Jac shook her head forcefully.

"I told you we are not in a relationship – he's married." She hesitated. "He's a doctor, yes. He used to work here but he left and is now a GP." She informed him. Jonny nodded.

"He's an ex, then?" Jac was quickly tiring of Jonny's questions.

"Maybe." Her words annoyed him.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Jonny inquired.

"Yes, okay." She said, quickly, before pushing past him and out of the room, before he could ask anymore probing questions.

"Jac!" Mo called, sharply, across the ward. Jac sighed and made her way over to the other surgeon.

"Yes?" She asked.

"We've got a referral from AAU, a two year old boy who was injured in a car accident. He deteriorated overnight, Mr Levy did a chest x-ray earlier and it turns out he has a punctured lung. We have to operate now. You can assist." Jac nodded. "That's him. His name is Harry Byrne." With Mo's words, Jac stomach plummeted. "You can tell the parents." Jac resisted the urge to tell her that the woman currently walking towards them wasn't Harry's mother. Mo walked off, leaving her the tricky situation of approaching Joseph and Tanya. She took a deep breath and took the plunge.

"Hello, I'm Miss Naylor, and I'll be operating on Harry-" Joseph cut her off.

"No." He said, quietly – though all three of them heard him. "You're not operating on Harry." She clasped her hands together in anger.

"Leave it, Joseph." She hissed.

"No." He repeated. "I don't want you to operate on him." By now, Mo had realised something was amiss.

"Is everything alright, Miss Naylor?" Mo asked. She went to speak, but Joseph got there first. Tanya was just standing there, bewildered.

"I do not want Jac operating on Harry." His voice was quiet, but it had a harsh edge to it. Mo raised an eyebrow at him calling her Jac, not Miss Naylor.

"Joseph, leave it." She hissed again. "Everything's fine, Mo." She said, putting on a happy voice, which was completely contradictory to how she was feeling. Joseph frowned, before he walked purposefully towards her and grabbed her arms. He pulled her, softly, towards her office. He pushed the door open, and they went in. The door slammed behind them.

"What the hell are you doing?" Jac hissed, louder this time.

"There are rules against this kind of thing, Jac." He answered. "Where's Elliot, he'll tell you that you can't operate on Harry."

"Elliot's not here today." Jac answered. "What rules?" She asked, after a while. "There are no rules forbidding me from operating on my ex's son, are there?" Jac stated, coolly.

"But there are rules stopping you operating on loved ones-" She interrupted him.

"And Harry isn't a loved one." She told him.

"But I am." He declared, quietly.

She scoffed. "And who says that?" He smiled, sadly.

"But the thing is, Jac, can you look me in the eye and tell me you don't care anymore?" He twisted her words from that morning and Jac suddenly felt defenceless. She looked him in the eye, but just as Joseph couldn't say it earlier, she couldn't say she didn't care anymore – because the truth was that she did.

"You were there when Harry was born – you are the only reason that he was born at all." He admitted. "So don't, Jac, don't operate on him." He begged.

She thought about it. "I won't." She said, quietly, before turning and pushing the door open. She was still angry at him. She crossed the ward quickly, to where Harry, Mo and Tanya where. "Mo, you're going to have to do it on your own." She told her, whispering so that Tanya couldn't hear her.

"Why?" She hissed back, angrily. "First yesterday, and now this - I won't let you bail on me again, Jac."

"I can't." She said, shrugging. "I promised." It was at that moment that Joseph returned.

"What's going on Jac? You don't make promises." Mo asked, confused.

"Well, now I do." Jac replied, tersely.

She didn't look at Joseph again.

…

She was sitting, her back against the wall, waiting for Harry to come out of surgery. There were few people on the ward, and those who were there, were either heavily sedated or comfortable. She relaxed, and shut her eyes. She was so tired. She hadn't slept through the night for a long time.

Then she heard footsteps on the cold floor. She flicked open her eyes to see Tanya walking towards her. The woman smiled warmly at her, and lent on the wall next to her. "You're more than old friends, right?" Tanya asked, quietly.

Jac had been staring at her feet, but when Tanya spoke, her head snapped up. "Why do you think that?" She said, sharply – a little too sharply.

"When you were dancing," Tanya started. "it looked so natural, and you acted so natural, that it was obvious that he'd held you before. And as you cannot operate on Harry, there is something that you're not telling us." Jac's laugh echoed around the empty corridor.

"How do I explain to you the past?" She lamented, quietly. "I don't even get some of it." She hesitated. "Yes, we used to be together – but it ended a long time ago." She admitted. "When a person leaves for so long, you learn to live with their absence, and move on." She, said – echoing her words from the day that Harry was born. "What's past is past." She said, but her words were empty because she didn't believe in them – and Tanya didn't either, judging by the look on her face.

"How long have you known him?" Tanya asked, quietly. Jac quickly counted the years up in her head.

"Seven, eight years." She said, slightly shocking herself at how long ago she had first met him. "A long time." She added, after a while.

"Earlier you said 'when someone leaves for so long', what does that mean?" Tanya asked, probingly.

"I hadn't seen Joseph for two years until I turned up at your wedding. That's what I meant." She answered, softly. They lapsed into silence.

…

"Miss Naylor, can I see you in Elliot's office, please?" Mo asked, her tone brisk and cold. Jac heard the barely concealed anger in Mo's tone, so she followed Mo into the office, as she wasn't up for a fight. "Right, explain." Mo snapped, leaving Jac confused.

"Explain what?" Jac asked, curiously. Mo breathed out, angrily.

"Who the hell is he, and why you couldn't operate on his son." Mo asked, and Jac couldn't help but notice the curiosity that crept into her tone. Mo wanted to know more about her.

"He's just someone that I used to know, and I promised him I wouldn't operate on Harry because he asked me not to." Jac stated, quietly.

"He called you Jac." The statement from Mo took her by surprise.

"Yes." She replied, puzzled.

"Not Miss Naylor or Doctor; he called you Jac." Mo stated.

Jac nodded, not understanding why that was puzzling Mo so much. "Old friends do know my name, you know." Jac drawled sarcastically. Mo turned her head on an angled and looked at Jac. "Is that all?" Jac asked. Mo nodded, slowly, and Jac left the room.

…

**Hope you liked.**

**Chapter 4 (The final chapter) will be up next Wednesday!**


	4. Chapter 4

**And Part Four is finally here. I'm sorry it's so late; I found it hard to find time to** **write it. But here it is and I hope you like it. This is the last chapter.**

…

She twirled the empty wine glass in her hand. She sighed and placed the glass down on the table in front of her. She had been planning on drinking herself to oblivion, but after one glass of red wine and she realised that her plane was pointless. It would give her some relief, but not for long and the after effects – a massive hangover – didn't seem very attractive. She lay back on the sofa, resting her eyes after a long day at work. She didn't get long, as there was a loud knock on the door just a few seconds after she had closed her eyes. She flicked them open and stood up. She walked slowly to the door. She closed her eyes for a second before opening the door.

She blinked hard, not believing the evidence of her own eyes. Tanya was standing on her doorstep.

"You better come in." Jac said, quietly. There where so many thoughts rushing through her head. The two women walked, in silence, to the living room. Jac watched as Tanya slipped onto the sofa. She took the armchair that was facing it. "So, what do you want?" Jac asked, and despite her better judgement she was curious to know what she wanted.

"He never talks about the past." Tanya informed her, her voice ringing out in the small room. "And neither do you." She hesitated. "There's something not right between you." She paused again, giving Jac time to speak.

"And why would I tell you?" She almost spat, her words coming out much harsher than intended. A silence descended on the pair, after Jac's words.

"He was here last night, wasn't he?" Tanya asked, not letting any of her emotions show in her voice or face. Jac was surprised at that, she had pinned Tanya down as the weepy type – a Faye mark II.

Jac didn't know how to answer her question. "Don't worry you don't have to answer. I'm not stupid, you know. I do realise that my husband most probably slept with you." Tanya informed her, with a tone that didn't change from calmness.

"We didn't sleep together." Jac said, slowly, a few seconds later. Tanya raised an eyebrow.

"Really?" Jac nodded in answer. "I'm not stupid." She hesitated, she hadn't expected Jac to deny the claim. "So if you didn't sleep with him, what happened?"

"We talked." She knew that Tanya was sceptical, but when she didn't ask any more questions, Jac felt relieved.

"Are you Harry's mother?" The question came out of the blue and Jac nearly swallowed her tongue in surprise. "It's a logical leap, Jac. You were in a relationship with Joseph two years ago. Harry is two. There is history between you and him. You couldn't operate on him. And most damning of all, you can't look that boy in the eye." The way Tanya spoke reminded her of a lawyer for the prosecution's closing statement, and the way she had deducted all those facts and made a complete jigsaw out of the pieces, made Jac feel slightly vulnerable. Lawyer's had always been able to do that to her, even when it wasn't her on trial.

"Are you a lawyer?" It was Jac turn to incite surprise. Tanya blinked once before nodding.

"How'd you guess?"

"That statement you just made, it reminded me of lawyers. I mean you sounded a lot like a lawyer." Jac spoke absentmindedly.

"You listen to a lot of lawyers, then?" Tanya asked, raising an eyebrow.

Jac shook her head. "My father…" She hesitated. She didn't know why she was telling Tanya all of this. "Nothing. He was just a lawyer. It's nothing." Jac had spoken quickly and Tanya looked at her with a look that made Jac feel as if Tanya was looking into her soul.

All her memories of her father were him in court, prosecuting over one trial or another; the joy on his face when he sent a criminal down, him in his blue court suit, addressing the jury in his big booming voice. He always had charm in the court room. Jac just wished that he had had that charm at home.

The pressures of being a high-flying lawyer had made her father drink. And a lot. It was always a lot with him, never a little or even a tiny bit. Jac hated the drink, and she hated her father, mainly what the drink did to him – but also the fact he wouldn't ever stop. He had hit her mother.

He had never hurt Jac physically but he had damn well hurt her in other ways. It had been the first time that she had felt worse than nothing and it hadn't been the last. So it had been a relief when, on her tenth birthday, he had never come home from the shop after going out to by candles for her cake. Her mother had found a note under her pillow saying he couldn't be a husband or a father anymore. He needed a fresh start.

That night had been the first and only time she had heard her mother cry. It was a little over two years later that her mother had fled her life as well. It was then that she started to believe what her father had told her in his numerous drunken rages.

"You still haven't answered my question." Tanya brought Jac out of her reverie with her words. "Are you Harry's mother?"

Jac shook her head. "No." She didn't expand on the single syllable answer.

"Do you know who is?"

"Yes."

"And are you going to tell me who?"

"His first wife." She could tell that Joseph hadn't thought to inform Tanya of the existence of Faye, because of Tanya's reaction to her words. Even thought she had tried to hide it, Jac had seen the shock in her eyes. "So he hasn't told you about Faye, then?" Tanya shook her head.

"When…" She hesitated. "Where is she now?"

"Now? I have no idea. France, maybe? Or maybe she's been sectioned again? Who knows?" Jac knew she was been harshly cruel on Tanya, as she knew nothing of Joseph's past.

"Sectioned?" Tanya asked, curiosity getting the better of her.

"Yep." She said, nodding. "Before Harry was born. I had to convince her to leave the mental hospital because Harry was breach and she was stubbornly saying she wouldn't. I told her some home truths', and she did as I asked."

Tanya sat, slightly in shock, on Jac's sofa. After a few seconds, she stood up, and Jac knew she was going to leave. "I'll be going then." Jac could tell that Tanya wanted to say something else but couldn't bring herself to. She turned and walked to the door. She hesitated when she came to it, and turned to face her. "Do you love him?"

Jac didn't have to think about it. "Yes." Then she cursed herself for telling Tanya that she was in love with her husband. How insensitive. Well, she never had been a big one for sensitivity. She liked telling it how it was. Telling the truth. The truth was that she was in love with him.

"Then why don't you fight for him?"

Jac considered Tanya's question for a few seconds. "You make him happy, Tanya. Of all the things I ever made him feel, I don't ever thing it was happy. Love, maybe, but never happy. It's simple when you think about it like that."

With Jac's words ringing in her ears, Tanya slammed the door behind her.

…

"And why are you looking so glum today?" Jac was sitting, clutching a coffee, in the small café by the lift. Sasha had just bounded up to her, a lopsided smile on his face. He slumped down in the seat opposite her. "This is about Joseph, isn't it?" She looked up at him, wondering how he had guessed her emotions so easily.

She nodded, and Sasha put his arms around her. "I think you need a hug." Jac shook his arms of her, and shot him a death stare. "Or a death potion." Sasha added, jokingly after her stare.

"I'm not up for a joke." Her eyes wandered to the door of the lift. It pinged open. She was about to stand up and get in the queue for the lift, when she saw who was leaving it. Joseph was holding Harry's hand and had his other arm around Tanya's waist. She closed her eyes, when he glanced in her direction, hoping it would make her invisible.

Sasha turned around, a quizzical look on his face. When he saw Joseph, he turned back to her and mouthed 'oh'. She nodded. She stood up, abruptly, leaving her half-finished coffee. "Tell Elliot I'm going home." She shouted to Sasha, over her shoulder. She knew she couldn't face work today. So she was taking the coward's way out.

She walked slowly through the car park to where she had left her bike. Instantly she saw something had been added to it, since she had left it earlier in the day. There was an envelope sitting on the seat, with her name on it. She picked it up and then instantly dropped it back down onto the seat. It was Joseph's writing on the front. She picked it up slowly, and opened it.

_Dear Jac, _

_I have to do this. I have to tell you how much you mean to me. _

_I love you. _

_It's simple, now. There was a time when it wasn't quite so simple. Now it's clear. _

_I love you. _

_But I offered you a chance and you let me go. Now I have to let you go. _

_Maybe one day, we can be together again, but for now I have my wife and Harry to think about._

_Maybe one day, Jac. I live in hope._

_All my love,_

_Joseph_

Drop, drop, drop. The tears stained the paper, and they blurred her vision. She wiped her eyes and looked up, searching for him in the car park. She needed to see him one more time. She saw him, but it was too late. She watched his car until she couldn't see it anymore.

And then she started crying again.

…

_**Fin**_


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